Giant Reset Button

Bm's birth-day came to mind today
She IS going to be 12 soon and yet I still hold the events of her birth so vividly in my mind.
They were actually quite traumatic
But when I recount them, as I did this morning in the office as we chatted around the time clock waiting for the digits to flip to :00, they didn't sound 'bad'... there was actually inspiration there.

On Bm's birth-day... Sam pushed the reset button.

My original due date was March 17th
Later on in my pregnancy my due date was bumped to March 23rd
Bm (B minor...incase you're wondering) was born April 3rd so needless to say...I was TO TERM and then some when she was born. I remember my belly being squared off and being able to clearly distinguish her body parts as she attempted what looked like an 'alienesque' birth.

Honestly, at this point in time...all the way up to her actual birth, everyone thought SHE was a HE so the gender specificity in my story is colored.

My last visit with the doctor was Thursday, April 2nd. My induction had been scheduled for 7:30 Friday morning, but she wanted one last chance to have labor begin naturally and stripped my membrane.
At the time, my partner and I were wholesaling scented candles and I had an order of 350 to get lableled, dressed, and out the door by 3:30 that afternoon. I remember the client's 'awooga' eyes at the size of my belly AND the fact that I, not my partner, was making the delivery. (Such was life in 1998)

I'm sure I ate dinner at some point in time but my next memory is the decision to take a shower after ER (funny, a lot of major happenings in the first 8 months of my daughter's life have an ER connection...Thursday must be my day...but that's another posting) and try to get some sleep before heading to the hospital. I was pretty sure labor had started, but I had a 'false alarm' at 6 months, so I was reticent to say anything because everything up until then was bearable and I remember the constant reminder from my lamaze coach that it was "better to wait at home than in the hospital." (she obviously didn't live in my house)

I laid down to 'sleep' around 11:30.
Heh heh...yeah right
At 1:00am I rolled over and said "I think we should just go to the hospital"

I checked in around 2:30am
I was 5 cm along and progressing nicely
I didn't want any meds unless it was absolutely necessary and my breathing was helping me through my contractions just fine.

• 3:30 am - smooth sailing
• 4:30 am - I'm good at this...excited for baby
• 5:30 am - our uber awesome nurse checks in and lets me know we're doing fine, asks if I need meds to which I give a hearty "No Thank You"
• 6:30 am - feeling fine and uber nurse lets us know her shift is over but she'll be back at 5:30 that evening to meet the new baby ~smile~
• 7:00 am - We meet the new nurse. Following doctors orders, she enters with a GIANT crochet needle and attempts to break my water...to no avail. "Okay, we'll try again later."
• 7:30 am - In comes the nurse, and a physician's assistant...crochet needle again, fail. "We'll be back in a few minutes to change your IV."
• 7:45 am - they induce me

Did you read that? I've probably been in labor for over 12 hours and THEY INDUCED ME...didn't say anything, just looked at my chart, saw the orders and did it...

By 8:30am I definitely knew I was in labor.
Contractions coming faster now
Nurse says I'm making good progress...another push to the IV

9:00am
holy cow
umm...remember that pain med I said I didn't want? I think I want some now
IV push...okay, that's a little better

9:30am
contractions coming hard and fast now..."just breathe it out, they come in waves...make it throught the peak and it's smooth sailing down from there"...my lamaze coach didn't mention pitocin!
IV push...better now

9:45am
When is this wave gonna end? Where is the down hill?
I need more pain meds please?
"I'm sorry you can only have them once every 1/2 hr"
OMG!!!!

It went along this way for another hour...
10:45 am
PAIN MEDS PLEASE
11:00am
IV PUSH...better

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Alarm
"ma'am you need to roll over on your side...ma'am... MA'AAM!"
"Sir, you need to get your wife to roll over on her side!"
"She's not my wife"
"Sir!"

at 11:02am my baby's heart rate stopped
I remember hearing the bells and whistles
I remember being pushed over on my side
I remember my partner saying "you have to wake her up to ask her"
and I remember someone saying "Call the NICU"

some time later, I'm not sure when
a kind face on a tall man told me I had nothing to worry about
"You'll have to start all over, but you and the baby are fine"

I didn't really know what he was talking about, I just knew I felt groggy and tired and my partner was passed out on the chair next to my bed...so I slept.

I woke up around 5:00 that night with the need to poop (hey it's my blog and I talk about poop when I want to)... "Can I use the bathroom"
"no, not right now, just go in the bed"

"eww...no thanks"

"I think I need to push"
"Oh no ma'am, don't push yet...we don't have the stirrups ready. And ma'am, please wait for us to TELL you to push. We'll have to be sure to suction the baby once the head has cleared the birth canal"

Whatever...I slid my legs back and 'adjusted' myself
I guess I pushed...oops (okay this is a hindsight observation too because I didn't mean to push, and I didn't realize I had)

Okay ma'am, you can push
And then there was a wriggling, squirming, slippery baby on my belly
I couldn't even hold her I was so doped up

5:30pm
My baby is whisked away for apgar testing and I'm getting "cleaned up" to move to my post delivery room
"gee ma'am, with as easily as you pushed that baby out I'm sure glad they didn't have to cut you"

"cut me," I thought, but I just smiled and nodded..."me too."

Then I heard her...UBER cool nurse... "What do you MEAN they almost DIED ?!?! She was FINE when I left!"

She came in the room, smiled at me, rubbed the hair off my face and told the other attending to leave, she would be taking care of me now...

There were lots of other little foibles along the way after that...
the partner who came back to the hospital fall down drunk with a football for the baby...
the scratches on my baby's head from the giant crochet needle...
the lactation specialist who told my kid "okay baby, swallow or choke" as she force fed her with a cup...
and the fact that I had to drive myself home...

But at the time, none of that mattered
I was able to stay in the hospital 3 whole days and I DID, because otherwise...I'd just pick up where I left off.

I drove myself home from the hospital...my partner didn't have a valid license at the time so he sat in the back with the baby...even AFTER they told me not to drive for a few days...I drove a BEASTOFAVAN through spring break traffic first to piccadilly...cause I knew there'd be no good food at home...then home.

I eventually ended up taking the baby and stepping out to a new life
yeah, I made that decision after watching ER one night on the opposite side of the couch as my partner...(see I told you there was a connection)

I struggled with that decision for a long time
Somewhere in the midst of everything I found my faith again
finding your faith is not a fun thing when you're an unwed mother...and I 'should've known better"...after all I was 26 years old.
I read my bible and listened to Ron Hutchcraft pretty regularly those days...he taught me the verse in Malachai that said children need to grow up in the love they were created out of...
so I tried
and I tried
and tried and tried and tried
to find a way to save myself, and keep a relationship with him
Because my child needed it...

Quite a few years later I realized that she IS growing up in the love she was created from
she's growing up with me.
Her conception was anything but romatic
Her gestation was OUR time (hers and mine)
Her birth...was our salvation moment
and her life since then...has been void of him...he's a silent partner with no controlling assets.

I don't have her pictures from the hospital
I don't have her tiny feet prints or hand prints
that all got lost in the shuffle...

at 11:02am on Friday April 3, 1998
Sam pushed the Reset Button
She was too important

WE were too important to what the Universe has in store for human kind to not be a part of it

Our lives took a very drastic turn in that very moment

We died...and came back as something new, with a purpose.

See...maybe I really CAN be fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara I could save the World!