GIANT RESET BUTTON (repost)
Bm's birth-day came to mind today
She IS going to be 12 soon and yet I still hold the events of her birth so vividly in my mind.
They were actually quite traumatic
But when I recount them, as I did this morning in the office as we chatted around the time clock waiting for the digits to flip to :00, they didn't sound 'bad'... there was actually inspiration there.
Later on in my pregnancy my due date was bumped to March 23rd
Bm (B minor...incase you're wondering) was born April 3rd so needless to say...I was TO TERM and then some when she was born. I remember my belly being squared off and being able to clearly distinguish her body parts as she attempted what looked like an 'alienesque' birth.
At the time, my partner and I were wholesaling scented candles and I had an order of 350 to get lableled, dressed, and out the door by 3:30 that afternoon. I remember the client's 'awooga' eyes at the size of my belly AND the fact that I, not my partner, was making the delivery. (Such was life in 1998)
Heh heh...yeah right
At 1:00am I rolled over and said "I think we should just go to the hospital"
I was 5 cm along and progressing nicely
I didn't want any meds unless it was absolutely necessary and my breathing was helping me through my contractions just fine.
- 3:30 am - smooth sailing
- 4:30 am - I'm good at this...excited for baby
- 5:30 am - our uber awesome nurse checks in and lets me know we're doing fine, asks if I need meds to which I give a hearty "No Thank You"
- 6:30 am - feeling fine and uber nurse lets us know her shift is over but she'll be back at 5:30 that evening to meet the new baby ~smile~
- 7:00 am - We meet the new nurse. Following doctors orders, she enters with a GIANT crochet needle and attempts to break my water...to no avail. "Okay, we'll try again later."
- 7:30 am - In comes the nurse, and a physician's assistant...crochet needle again, fail. "We'll be back in a few minutes to change your IV."
- 7:45 am - they induce me
Contractions coming faster now
Nurse says I'm making good progress...another push to the IV
umm...remember that pain med I said I didn't want? I think I want some now
IV push...okay, that's a little better
contractions coming hard and fast now..."just breathe it out, they come in waves...make it throught the peak and it's smooth sailing down from there"...my lamaze coach didn't mention pitocin!
IV push...better now
When is this wave gonna end? Where is the down hill?
I need more pain meds please?
"I'm sorry you can only have them once every 1/2 hr"
PAIN MEDS PLEASE
"ma'am you need to roll over on your side...ma'am... MA'AAM!"
"Sir, you need to get your wife to roll over on her side!"
"She's not my wife"
I remember hearing the bells and whistles
I remember being pushed over on my side
I remember my partner saying "you have to wake her up to ask her"
and I remember someone saying "Call the NICU"
a kind face on a tall man told me I had nothing to worry about
"You'll have to start all over, but you and the baby are fine"
"no, not right now, just go in the bed"
"Oh no ma'am, don't push yet...we don't have the stirrups ready. And ma'am, please wait for us to TELL you to push. We'll have to be sure to suction the baby once the head has cleared the birth canal"
I guess I pushed...oops (okay this is a hindsight observation too because I didn't mean to push, and I didn't realize I had)
And then there was a wriggling, squirming, slippery baby on my belly
I couldn't even hold her I was so doped up
My baby is whisked away for apgar testing and I'm getting "cleaned up" to move to my post delivery room
"gee ma'am, with as easily as you pushed that baby out I'm sure glad they didn't have to cut you"
the partner who came back to the hospital fall down drunk with a football for the baby...
the scratches on my baby's head from the giant crochet needle...
the lactation specialist who told my kid "okay baby, swallow or choke" as she force fed her with a cup...
and the fact that I had to drive myself home...
I was able to stay in the hospital 3 whole days and I DID, because otherwise...I'd just pick up where I left off.
yeah, I made that decision after watching ER one night on the opposite side of the couch as my partner...(see I told you there was a connection)
Somewhere in the midst of everything I found my faith again
finding your faith is not a fun thing when you're an unwed mother...and I 'should've known better"...after all I was 26 years old.
I read my bible and listened to Ron Hutchcraft pretty regularly those days...he taught me the verse in Malachai that said children need to grow up in the love they were created out of...
so I tried
and I tried
and tried and tried and tried
to find a way to save myself, and keep a relationship with him
Because my child needed it...
she's growing up with me.
Her conception was anything but romatic
Her gestation was OUR time (hers and mine)
Her birth...was our salvation moment
and her life since then...has been void of him...he's a silent partner with no controlling assets.
I don't have her tiny feet prints or hand prints
that all got lost in the shuffle...
Sam pushed the Reset Button
She was too important
See...maybe I really CAN be fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara I could save the World!