Giant Reset Button

Bm's birth-day came to mind today
She IS going to be 12 soon and yet I still hold the events of her birth so vividly in my mind.
They were actually quite traumatic
But when I recount them, as I did this morning in the office as we chatted around the time clock waiting for the digits to flip to :00, they didn't sound 'bad'... there was actually inspiration there.

On Bm's birth-day... Sam pushed the reset button.

My original due date was March 17th
Later on in my pregnancy my due date was bumped to March 23rd
Bm (B minor...incase you're wondering) was born April 3rd so needless to say...I was TO TERM and then some when she was born. I remember my belly being squared off and being able to clearly distinguish her body parts as she attempted what looked like an 'alienesque' birth.

Honestly, at this point in time...all the way up to her actual birth, everyone thought SHE was a HE so the gender specificity in my story is colored.

My last visit with the doctor was Thursday, April 2nd. My induction had been scheduled for 7:30 Friday morning, but she wanted one last chance to have labor begin naturally and stripped my membrane.
At the time, my partner and I were wholesaling scented candles and I had an order of 350 to get lableled, dressed, and out the door by 3:30 that afternoon. I remember the client's 'awooga' eyes at the size of my belly AND the fact that I, not my partner, was making the delivery. (Such was life in 1998)

I'm sure I ate dinner at some point in time but my next memory is the decision to take a shower after ER (funny, a lot of major happenings in the first 8 months of my daughter's life have an ER connection...Thursday must be my day...but that's another posting) and try to get some sleep before heading to the hospital. I was pretty sure labor had started, but I had a 'false alarm' at 6 months, so I was reticent to say anything because everything up until then was bearable and I remember the constant reminder from my lamaze coach that it was "better to wait at home than in the hospital." (she obviously didn't live in my house)

I laid down to 'sleep' around 11:30.
Heh heh...yeah right
At 1:00am I rolled over and said "I think we should just go to the hospital"

I checked in around 2:30am
I was 5 cm along and progressing nicely
I didn't want any meds unless it was absolutely necessary and my breathing was helping me through my contractions just fine.

• 3:30 am - smooth sailing
• 4:30 am - I'm good at this...excited for baby
• 5:30 am - our uber awesome nurse checks in and lets me know we're doing fine, asks if I need meds to which I give a hearty "No Thank You"
• 6:30 am - feeling fine and uber nurse lets us know her shift is over but she'll be back at 5:30 that evening to meet the new baby ~smile~
• 7:00 am - We meet the new nurse. Following doctors orders, she enters with a GIANT crochet needle and attempts to break my water...to no avail. "Okay, we'll try again later."
• 7:30 am - In comes the nurse, and a physician's assistant...crochet needle again, fail. "We'll be back in a few minutes to change your IV."
• 7:45 am - they induce me

Did you read that? I've probably been in labor for over 12 hours and THEY INDUCED ME...didn't say anything, just looked at my chart, saw the orders and did it...

By 8:30am I definitely knew I was in labor.
Contractions coming faster now
Nurse says I'm making good progress...another push to the IV

9:00am
holy cow
umm...remember that pain med I said I didn't want? I think I want some now
IV push...okay, that's a little better

9:30am
contractions coming hard and fast now..."just breathe it out, they come in waves...make it throught the peak and it's smooth sailing down from there"...my lamaze coach didn't mention pitocin!
IV push...better now

9:45am
When is this wave gonna end? Where is the down hill?
I need more pain meds please?
"I'm sorry you can only have them once every 1/2 hr"
OMG!!!!

It went along this way for another hour...
10:45 am
PAIN MEDS PLEASE
11:00am
IV PUSH...better

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Alarm
"ma'am you need to roll over on your side...ma'am... MA'AAM!"
"Sir, you need to get your wife to roll over on her side!"
"She's not my wife"
"Sir!"

at 11:02am my baby's heart rate stopped
I remember hearing the bells and whistles
I remember being pushed over on my side
I remember my partner saying "you have to wake her up to ask her"
and I remember someone saying "Call the NICU"

some time later, I'm not sure when
a kind face on a tall man told me I had nothing to worry about
"You'll have to start all over, but you and the baby are fine"

I didn't really know what he was talking about, I just knew I felt groggy and tired and my partner was passed out on the chair next to my bed...so I slept.

I woke up around 5:00 that night with the need to poop (hey it's my blog and I talk about poop when I want to)... "Can I use the bathroom"
"no, not right now, just go in the bed"

"eww...no thanks"

"I think I need to push"
"Oh no ma'am, don't push yet...we don't have the stirrups ready. And ma'am, please wait for us to TELL you to push. We'll have to be sure to suction the baby once the head has cleared the birth canal"

Whatever...I slid my legs back and 'adjusted' myself
I guess I pushed...oops (okay this is a hindsight observation too because I didn't mean to push, and I didn't realize I had)

Okay ma'am, you can push
And then there was a wriggling, squirming, slippery baby on my belly
I couldn't even hold her I was so doped up

5:30pm
My baby is whisked away for apgar testing and I'm getting "cleaned up" to move to my post delivery room
"gee ma'am, with as easily as you pushed that baby out I'm sure glad they didn't have to cut you"

"cut me," I thought, but I just smiled and nodded..."me too."

Then I heard her...UBER cool nurse... "What do you MEAN they almost DIED ?!?! She was FINE when I left!"

She came in the room, smiled at me, rubbed the hair off my face and told the other attending to leave, she would be taking care of me now...

There were lots of other little foibles along the way after that...
the partner who came back to the hospital fall down drunk with a football for the baby...
the scratches on my baby's head from the giant crochet needle...
the lactation specialist who told my kid "okay baby, swallow or choke" as she force fed her with a cup...
and the fact that I had to drive myself home...

But at the time, none of that mattered
I was able to stay in the hospital 3 whole days and I DID, because otherwise...I'd just pick up where I left off.

I drove myself home from the hospital...my partner didn't have a valid license at the time so he sat in the back with the baby...even AFTER they told me not to drive for a few days...I drove a BEASTOFAVAN through spring break traffic first to piccadilly...cause I knew there'd be no good food at home...then home.

I eventually ended up taking the baby and stepping out to a new life
yeah, I made that decision after watching ER one night on the opposite side of the couch as my partner...(see I told you there was a connection)

I struggled with that decision for a long time
Somewhere in the midst of everything I found my faith again
finding your faith is not a fun thing when you're an unwed mother...and I 'should've known better"...after all I was 26 years old.
I read my bible and listened to Ron Hutchcraft pretty regularly those days...he taught me the verse in Malachai that said children need to grow up in the love they were created out of...
so I tried
and I tried
and tried and tried and tried
to find a way to save myself, and keep a relationship with him
Because my child needed it...

Quite a few years later I realized that she IS growing up in the love she was created from
she's growing up with me.
Her conception was anything but romatic
Her gestation was OUR time (hers and mine)
Her birth...was our salvation moment
and her life since then...has been void of him...he's a silent partner with no controlling assets.

I don't have her pictures from the hospital
I don't have her tiny feet prints or hand prints
that all got lost in the shuffle...

at 11:02am on Friday April 3, 1998
Sam pushed the Reset Button
She was too important

WE were too important to what the Universe has in store for human kind to not be a part of it

Our lives took a very drastic turn in that very moment

We died...and came back as something new, with a purpose.

See...maybe I really CAN be fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara I could save the World!

The next challenge....

Okay,
Complete a 5K - check!
I'd like to run an entire one...and do some other run type stuff but for now the next event is THIS
The City Scramble on my Birthday in Daytona with my hub!

Totally looks like A LOT of fun ...sort of an "amazing race" kind of thing.
So...it's time for a new countdown :)

Woot Woot March 6, 2010

Pigtails
Tiara
Bib #2804
5K in 44

yay me

you'll just have to wait for pictures...coz they're not up yet
oh but I DID look...yeah I looked through EVERY STINKIN picture of the race


the 2009 race that is
doh!

The porch is done...and the dogs approve

Bm's new hair

Before.... we seem to get to about this length then CHOP!

After....at the Salon, just easy peasy no work for those 'just woke up and the bus is coming' mornings...

After...at HOME :)

She wanted something she could 'hawk...too fun.

Should I be concerned that she also asked if she could have a tiny nose stud?

Take THAT Paul Mitchell!

I gave in and got a trim today...trims are okay, just no major style changes until at least Halloween 2010
I've had a hard time holding my 'poo free ground in salons in the past and paid for it dearly when I had to go through the ucky phase of getting product out of my hair again.

Not today
I walked in, said I want a trim.
Don't wash it, no conditioner...just wet it, trim it and blow it out.
Really, no conditioning treatment? Nope nothing, wet it...trim it...and blow it out.
So she did
I only needed a 1/4 inch trim, which is pretty cool to me since it's been a while since I've had a trim and when she was done...even the stylist said "I can't believe there is NO product in your hair!"

Oh yeah...no flat iron either!
I think there may be something to this 'poo free stuff
:)

Babetta

Babetta

You should totally check out Karen Schmidt
Send her YOUR head too!

Cheating only cheats yourself

I must admit I'm a self diagnosed gluten intolerant.
For years I struggled with crawling skin, drastic mood swings, symptoms that mimiced diabetes, perimenopause, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia even multiple sclerosis.
After years of unsuccessful testing, I gave in, accepted a prescription for Prozac and gave up.

The anti-depressants helped for a while, coupled with an anti-viral (because I DO live with Epstein Barr)
but utlimately, my poop was still weird, and my moods still swung, I was just in too much of a daze to do or say anything about it. My pain decreased...but honestly ALL my feelings were suppressed so that just makes sense.

Each new year brings with it a resolution to lose weight and 2009 brought with it a no-carb diet.
An interesting side effect...I had normal poop, so I just thought the anti-virals were working. My mood swings were decreasing, so the Prozac mustve been doing it's job.

February brought some unexpected guests with wonderful ideas about healing, thoughtful conversation and whole foods...including grains. I indulged, because they weren't processed grains and hey, it was only once or twice...

Three days later I was so exhausted I couldn't move...couldn't even motivate myself to get up out of my chair to pee. The next day I couldn't breathe...panic attacks rolled in like late stage contractions and I couldn't calm myself down...and I was alone; my husband was on a week long vacation and my body was revolting against me.

The next morning I was in the doctor's office...AGAIN.
I had racked my brain for hours ...since I couldn't sleep... over WHAT I had done differently, WHAT had triggered my symptoms.

I had heard the word gluten before
I knew it had something to do with wheat...but had no idea what
The universe kept whispering the word in my ear so I asked...
'Hey doc, could it be gluten'

I could literally SEE the light bulb over her head...or was it relief?
'Yes, yes it could...that would explain all of your symptoms'

So I had the blood tests, and I had the poop tests...and the results?
'You don't throw high enough numbers to have celiac and I doubt you're intolerant'

By the time the results had finally come around, I had been eating gluten free for almost a month and noticed a HUGE difference so I decided, any numbers are numbers and continued with my gluten free diet

I FEEL better
I don't hurt anymore
My husband can hug me without a wince, I have energy, I don't flip out on my kids, hub or drivers on the road, my skin doesn't crawl and my eyebrows don't itch...and my poop is normal (okay sorry I keep talking about my poop but this was a BIG one for me...no one could explain it in the past and no website helped me either, maybe I need to post a more indpepth poop story...but not now).

I went to the doctor recently for Bronchitis and she dismissed my Gluten issues again
Whatev doc

All this to say I read a fantastic reminder this morning  on Gluten Free Easily about Non Standard Symptoms of Celiac. *raising hand* yup...I resemble those remarks.

Going gluten free is not an easy task. Anyone who has had to do it will tell you...those of you who have tried simply because it's the latest fad...BAH! It's not the same when you can decide not to do it because it's not convenient. I try to fool myself sometimes with that...

I'm having what I call an 'overwhelm' day...I glutened MYSELF yesterday and I know better, because Gluten Turns off My Filter.

A few months ago we stopped at a wonderful bakery about 50 miles from home that specializes in gluten free goods...they also had THESE...

Now...when I saw them, I knew they were too good to be true. But if you followed the link above, you know the possibility of an accidental ingest lurks around every corner so these are handy to have...just in case.

They sorta work. My poop stays normal...but I still get tired, and my filter gets weak.
Problem? I do this to myself on purpose at times...like yesterday when I ate the Greek Lasagna that I intentionally made with regular lasagna noodles. Sometimes the GF stuff is just too far away and too expensive.
Well, at least that's what I thought when I decided to pop a couple of pills and eat the stuff anyway.

Now? Well I have tears behind my eyes, my eyebrows itch, my body is achy and I'm generally just in bitch mode, easily annoyed and not afraid to tell you about it.  Sigh.
It DID taste good...but that was the eggplant and olives, not the noodles.
And another great article I read talked about the after effects of a cheat...while I may not feel anything now (physically/digestive) it can take it's toll on me later.

I have to stop cheating myself.
I'm worth the drive and the extra money for the GF stuff...even if the docs don't agree with me.

time keeps on slippin....

Ugh....

31 days left and I haven't been able to run for 5 days!
My lungs feel like they could be wrung like a soaking wet towel
So hub highly discourages the gym, and BFF reminds me breathing is paramount to running
sigh

they're both right

At least I've been replacing the gym time with some yoga time in the morning
so all is not lost :)



photo credit

I didn't set out to be a Foodie...

Okay well, I don't necessarily consider this a food blog but...
Yet again tonight I've made another amazing recipe (yes, from the Moosewood Classics book...if I had enough readers, I'd do a giveaway and share the love!)

I made Cucumber Peanut Salad and Brian, it'd be the PERFECT side dish for your Gluten Free Apple Stuffed Chicken! This would be good with sliced apples added...it's definitely a must try!

3 cucumbers peeled, seeded and sliced into 1/4 inch slices
2 tsp salt
1 Tbsp brown sugar, packed
2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 1/2 Tbsp white vinegar
1 Tbsp vegetable oil
2 tsp fennel seeds
1/2 c roasted peanuts

Stir together salt and cucumber and drain in colander for 10 to 15 minutes. Rinse cucumber well and drain again.

Stir together brown sugar, lemon juice, and vinegar until sugar dissolves

Heat oil in a small sauce pan, once hot add the fennel seeds. Remove from heat and swirl the pan for 30 seconds. Return to heat (low) and cook for another minute, stirring continuously.

Place drained cucumbers (make sure they are well drained, next time I may let them sit for 30 minutes) in shallow bowl and pour hot seasoned oil over cucumbers, toss. Add sugar/lemon juice/vinegar mixture, toss.
Let set at room temperature for 30 minutes before serving.

Top with crushed peanuts just before serving.

Yes...very yumm!
very very yumm!

Inspiration

I stumbled across a new Gluten Free Friendly site this week and it's inspired me to try even MORE ideas in the kitchen that include ME and the Family...rather than making separate food for me...which to be honest, sucks!
The recipes aren't always winners...and we have a "thumbs up/thumbs down" voting system that I honor to the utmost...so the kids aren't afraid to try stuff, NOR are they afraid to share their opinions (heh heh).

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been picking recipes out of my Moosewood Classics cook book each week...and for the most part, recipes have been a HIT. Last night I made the Spicy Potato Salad as a side dish. This one was a 'not so much' with the kids, but the hub and I liked it...but will tweak it a bit to suit our tastes.

BUT...I think I'm going to cook the rest up in the cast-iron skillet because I think they would make AWESOME home fries for breakfast.

Recipe:
6 potatoes, peeled, cubed
1 can tomatillos, drained
1 or 2 chipotle in adobo sauce
1 tsp adobo sauce
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp brown sugar
1/2 tsp salt (we think it needed more, but can salt individual portions to taste)
1 Tbsp fresh cilantro, chopped
2 stalks celery, diced

Bring 6 cups of water to a boil in covered pot
Add cubed potato, once water returns to a boil, reduce to simmer and cook for 15 to 20 minutes or until tender.

While potato is cooking, place tomatillo, chipotle, adobo sauce, lemon juice, brown sugar and salt into blender and puree.

When potatoes are tender, drain and immediately rinse in cold water to stop the cooking process. (This is important or they get mushy!)

Pour sauce over potatoes and toss
Add cilantro and celery.

Serve immediately or chill in refrigerator for future use

OR...like we'll do for breakfast
fry up in cast iron skillet and serve with egg as you like it, maybe a perfectly poached egg?

If you try it, or tweak it, let me know!

Week 2 Day 1

Okay...
Today was Week 2 Day 1 training for the 5K and for all of those wondering, yes...I DO have a tiara for race day.

If you haven't downloaded Mia's podcast yet, you have to...for nothing else than the Tiger Woods song...hilarious! But seriously, it's a good podcast for us Couch to 5Kers and she makes me chuckle...which keeps my mind off puking...

So yeah, made it through the Week 2 routine, it was hard but I made it all the way through so that means it'll only get easier the rest of the week!

Mmmmmmm Mushrooms

Tonight I made Italian Stuffed Portabella Mushrooms for dinner and they were FANTASTIC.

It's another recipe from Moosewood Restaurant New Classics. So vegetarian meal number two this week that was accepted by the family with rave reviews. Okay, this one had eggs but I don't know that I could ever give up eggs...but meatless, I can definitely do.

I made the recipe gluten free by substituting crushed rice chex in place of the breadcrumbs. I think I'll use this with baby bellas next time we're invited to a party, it would make the perfect appetizer. I paired the mondo mushrooms with a fresh salad and voila...dinner was served! (yup, see I really AM working on my French!)

Oh! Speaking of great gluten free recipes...head over HERE for your chance to win a FANTASTIC cook book...all gluten free and ALL in the crockpot! A mom's dream!!!

so...I ate well
AND I ran again today
had a great day at work
and am now in the comfy chair...

Woo Hoo! Good day!

photo credit

Ca va tres bien, merci!

I made a fabulous gluten free feast tonight...okay, maybe not a FEAST but I liked the alliteration.
Potato and Asparagus hash with steamed spinach and poached eggs.
Yes, I POACHED EGGS...perfectly I might add...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
This afternoon I prepped all the ingredients for the hash,

potatoes, fresh asparagus, onions, garlic and fresh dill

I also juiced the rest of our navels. I added some cantaloupe this time, and a couple of tangerines for a little sweetness. It turned out a beautiful color and texture! Can't wait for the fam to try it at breakfast.

All of this while practicing my French! I downloaded "Coffee Break French" from iTunes and recited along as I peeled and juiced oranges. Lesson 1 c'est trop facile! I'm looking forward to the future episodes.

I also downloaded the latest version of The Chubby Jones Podcast for my Couch 2 5k training. I listened to Mia when I first tried training for a 5k, her newest version is GREAT and much more polished.

I went to the gym with the hub tonight and completed Week 1 Day 1 and it felt great!

Then...I made dinner and made PERFECT poached eggs!

Yes, I said perfect...I'll add this to my list of  "perfect eggs" recipes. (the hub perfected hard boiled eggs earlier this year).

My picture doesn't do it justice (just a shot with my phone, shoulda pulled out the deucey and tried a new setting). My egg looks more like a dollop of sour cream, but it was tasty...and it was perfect :)

Camping Lessons: Cool place to camp!

In '08, we went to Suwanee river state park for our annual camping trip, we still talk about balanced rock and the old guy with the baritone voice fishing across the river singing gospel hymns.

This year we visited the Florida Caverns.
The main tour cave was discovered during the late 1930s when Civilian Conservation Corps workers were building the park. A worker happened to look beneath the roots of an overturned tree and found a hole leading down into the caves. Closer inspection revealed a massive networks of caverns with pristine formations and miles of passages. Tbe CCC then cleared out pathways for tours using pick-axes. 


The underground world was amazing...it felt more like a sci-fi movie than something right in our own back yard!

stalactites

stalagmites

rim pools

soda straws (baby stalactites)

close-up of a soda straw

the 'waterfall'

cave life - the bat my hub thinks is fake

Yes, It's a dinner plate!

I think this is one of my favorite facts from the cavern tour. The CCC guys lodged their plates into the rock behind their lights. The reflection gave them more light to work by.

photo credits....ME!

Camping Lessons: making tinctures

I think one of my personal favorite parts of our trip to the Florida Caverns is the abundance of this...

Lecanorales

And where there is Lecanorales...there is an abundance of Usnea.

If you have coughed, or sneezed or complained of a sore throat around me in the past year my response has been a resounding 'Usnea, Usnea Usnea!'

Thanks to one of my soul sistahs, I learned the wonders of this remedy last year when our son had strep...and the next day, he didn't!

Well the ground was covered! No need to harvest from the trees, because they still need it, but the wind knocked enough off the trees that we filled an entire gallon size bag on one of our hikes and in 6 weeks we'll have enough tincture to share!

Of course, that doesn't help me right now...when I could REALLY use some!

photo credit: ME!

Camping Lessons: Acorn Whistling

Can you whistle an acorn cap?
It's one of the many things the hub shared with the mini's on our camping trip...more pics of the cool caverns later coz those deserve their own story!

finding the right acorn cap is important

display proper technique...it's all in the cheeks

okay, the way you hold the acorn cap is important too

success!

Be sure you make the 'y' with your thumbs...

Much to the dismay of his older brother...middleson's favorite activity was acorn whistling!

He even taught his sister!

Camera settings

So these are with my "no flash" setting. Jitters are definitely not allowed here...or a tripod is suggested but I was just playing.
Things I've learned

• clean the eye boogies out of the dogs eyes before getting close up shots
• Snoopy is a more interested model than Budgie
• I like the depth of color on this setting

The Search is Over

Okay, I admit it.
I made one last ditch effort to find my Secret Santa.
I had the seller's information from the original e-bay ad and asked if they'd share the info with me so I could extend my gratitude.

The seller replied:

I have asked the buyer if I could tell you their name. Here was their response...

Please no. And thanks for asking first!

If you wouldn't mind just telling her the following

" The giver wishes to remain anonymous. You've been inspirational to them and they wanted you to have something they knew would make you very happy. Keep on doing what you are doing (even the really hard stuff) and sharing your story. Let the secret be a reminder that people are watching and gaining courage from your journey"

The whole fam got a bit misty eyed.
Thanks Secret Santa, you have encouraged me to keep sharing.

And now...
For anyone wondering if Holly Hobbie is going to live on a shelf...
ABSOLUTELY NOT...this is most definitely my next purse
I even ordered some little goodies today to make the ensemble complete

• check book cover
• id/card holder
• change purse
• essentials pouch
• and the PERFECT LUNCH BOX PURSE

Thanks Santa!

I swear I've been here before

photo credit awesome site! order the cards, get some stamps and make your friends smile!

Deja Vu

See, I'm practicing my French already!

But seriously...what do YOU think of Deja Vu? There are lots of interesting theories about it but nothing concrete ... so I'll just postulate through my fingers here on the keyboard

I've had more than a few instances of "I've been here before" over the past few weeks.

I mean EXACTLY...the same words, same gestures, same people, same reactions.

LOTS of them...like more than a dozen in the past few weeks...

So one might consider that we live in different time continuum at the same time

I consider that often, that time really isn't time it's just a nice way our human minds compartmentalize memories but our Spiritual beings exist on all planes... (tee hee the image of ghosts on a plane just came to my mind)

Anyway...considering this perspective, maybe I missed something important the first time through and a wiser version of my Spirit is tapping me to make sure I'm paying attention... so I'm paying attention, which is a good thing to do anyways.

One theory I recently read about Deja vu states that it is a 'hiccup' in the processing of memory. Images are taken in and recorded in our short term memory and then once deemed significant  move into our long term memory for storage. (who is the almighty image deemer anyway??)

Typically, images, instances, events travel between STM and LTM seamlessly, we're not aware unless we just can't create those memories in the first place...in which case I guess we're not aware either... but in the case of Deja Vu, there is a glitch, like a skip in the tape as memories convert.

This is sort of a cool thought...I mean it IS an explanation that is scientific...(disclaimer: not truly scientific because since Deja Vu has not been successfully recreated in a laboratory setting there is no empirical data)...but NOT cool because WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!?

Especially since it's happening to me frequently...

Is my memory maker breaking?

Will I wind up like the dude from Memento?

Or maybe like Sweet Johnny from "My Name Is Earl" he couldn't make new memories at all...he was stuck in the day before the best day of his life...and life was still good a la 50 First Dates.

Funny...I really loved each of these stories/movies/episodes... A LOT, actually
Memento is on my "top 5 movies of all time" list and 50 First Dates is a fun re-watcher for a light hearted movie...just happened to catch the My Name Is Earl episode yesterday so that's why it's fresh in my brain...

So I guess that means, for now I'm successfully capable of creating new memories, long and short term...
But WHY the Deja Vu????

;)